The funeral industry in Taiwan

A fascinating article from the New York Times about funeral practices in Taiwan—how elaborate the ceremonies are ... and how well paid the workers are. According to the article, a recent posting for 10 openings at a funeral home received 2,000 applications.

Departures

Last week, I had the absolute pleasure of watching the film Departures at the Seattle International Film Festival.

Departures won this year's Academy Award for best foreign film. From Japan, the film tells the story of Masahiro, a young cellist with a Tokyo-based orchestra. When the orchestra is dissolved, he reluctantly gives up his dream of being a professional musician and returns to the small town in which he was raised. There, he stumbles into a job ceremonial preparing dead bodies for funerals. Masahiro finds he has a gift for the work and that he takes a comfort in being able to guide people peacefully and properly through their most difficult times. 

The film is at times hysterical, at times gut-wrenching, but it is always full of so much life and love and beauty. The set-up allows for several scenes in which we are given a window into people's lives at their darkest hours. And the director reminds us that some of us handle grief and sorrow by sinking to our lowest behavior, some of us handle it by rising to our best, and a rare special few among us, like Masahiro, are able to take those who are lost and aimless in the midst of grief and bring them back to themselves. 

I can't recommend this film enough. Even though its subject is death, it is as full of life as any film I have seen. It's a prime example of the strange dichotomy that sometimes the greatest beauty lies in the darkest corners of our existence. 

PBR Coffin

This story was submitted by blog reader Leigh.

Bill Bramanti really loves his Pabst Blue Ribbon ... so much so that he has commissioned a casket that is wrapped with a faux PBR label. 

This is my favorite part: To celebrate his purchase, the 67-year-old filled the coffin with ice and used it as a cooler filled with, PBR, of course, and put on a party for his friends. (You can see this in the second photo.) 

Well, he's definitely got his own aesthetic, but at least Bramanti is planning for his own death, and he doesn't seem to have any fear of the end, serving up cans of beer in his PBR coffin. 

Planning for Your Funeral in Advance ... and Personalizing It

The Today Show has a story about the need to pre-plan your funeral. 

Meredith Vieira interviews the authors of Grave Expectations who were inspired by attending several funerals that did not reflect the character of the deceased. 

From the small amount I've been involved in funeral planning for other people, I find it's usually done in stressful, emotional circumstances, and you don't have the frame of mind to really think through what would reflect that person's personality. 

If you want your funeral to reflect your own style, I think planning it in advance for yourself is a great way to go. Plus, you can really take burden off of loved ones in terms of logistics and finances. 

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Also, if you watch the piece, I love the idea of the "vid-stone" ... but would it hold up to the elements?  

Economy Hits the Funeral Industry

The Seattle Times has what I think is a fascinating article today about hard economic times hitting the funeral industry.

People are cutting back on the level of service they set up for deceased loved-ones, ornate details, things like that. Some are hosting receptions at their own homes instead of having catered events.

It makes sense. Why go into debt over a death? I can understand wanting to put on a grand last hurrah for someone you loved, but not to the point that it hurts your bottom line.

Maybe, this economy will help people question the funeral industry more.

There are a lot of unexpected costs associated with burial, funerals, receptions, etc. It can cost a lot more than family and friends anticipate it will. And I don't want to imply that those are necessarily inflated expenses, but sometimes, people are so stressed and emotional, they just sign away without really thinking about whether they want or need to pay for a certain expense. This could be a possible positive fallout of a bad economy.

Extraordinary Burial Sites

I'd be curios if any of these actually appeal to anyone out there.

Mental_floss points us to 8 extraordinary burial sites. I've included photos of just a few:

*The Capuchin Catacombs in Palermo, Italy. Yes, those are preserved, mummified remains.
*The hanging coffins on limestone cliffs in Sagada, Philippines.
*The underwater Neptune Memorial Reef off the coast of Florida.

I get chills just looking at them ... but they are fascinating. And I would be quite curious to visit some of the sites. Especially the hanging coffins in the Philippines.

Thanks to Christian Sinclair for the link!

Dog Funeral from 1921

Christian Sinclair sent me this great photo of a dog funeral from 1921. 

You can see it in more detail, along with a fairly heated discussion about whether money should be spent on a headstone for a dog, at this link. 

I'm sure it surprises no one that people are paying tribute to deceased pets. We've talked before about the debate over being buried with your pet. 

But it's great to see an actual photograph documenting the interest. I love that it's such a social occasion—several friends have gathered, bringing their dogs along, all to mourn "Buster" together. And I love knowing that the modern American obsession with dogs is at least 90 years old. 

SympathyTree.com, Resources Pages

A follow-up to my recent commentary on SympathyTree.com:

I wanted to point you to their resources pages. The site has excellent links with step-by-step directions for what to do when you're planning a funeral, a cremation, a memorial service, or making business decisions that need to be made after a death.

The logistical details can get overwhelming when someone dies, and it's nice to have a guide.

Would you be buried with your pet? Part 2

Washington State Senator Ken Jacobsen's bill that would make it legal for people to be buried with the cremated remains of their pets has passed through committee. 

This article from the Associated Press implies that the bill is still unlikely to pass ... but it has passed one hurdle. 

Personally, I would not be buried with my pet, but it would also not bother me to be buried nearby someone who was with their pet. 

However, as this article points out, many cemetery owners are opposed to the bill because they must account for all religions, faiths, and beliefs. And some religions, like the Muslim faith, for example, would consider it an insult to be buried near an animal. This is a very good point. 

And with funeral homes, I don't think regulations are quite so simple that a funeral home could chose not to offer a legal option. So, it may not be as easy as saying that some cemeteries can have pets and some can't. 

SympathyTree.com

We've talked about cyber-afterlife before on this blog, but in the realm of MySpace pages, something created by an individual that simply remains up after they die and then becomes a sort of de facto tribute to them, after the fact.

But what about using the technology for a more purposeful memorial? Such options are out there. I had the opportunity earlier this week to speak with Louise Zweben, CEO of SympathyTree.com, a company that allows users to create online memorials.

It's a fascinating site, and I recommend everyone check it out, at least for a quick parusal.

There are two immediate benefits available from this type of memorial, benefits that Louise has consciously worked to create.

First, due to the one-to-many and even many-to-many nature of social network communication, information can be posted on one of the sites and instantly dispersed to family all over the world. When someone passes away, there are lots of logistics that need to be communicated to family and friends—where is the funeral, where should everyone donate money, where should they buy flowers, what hotel is the immediate family at, etc. With a memorial site, the immediate family can designate a single person, or a couple of people, to post the relevant information, spread the site address, and then interested parties can simply log in to see all information as it is updated. Clunky phone trees are not necessary. Multiple, emotionally taxing phone conversations can be avoided. Brilliant, right?

Second, the site allows the family and friends to tell the complete story of the deceased: their life and their death. Louise says, "It starts a conversation about the person's life." Users have a choice to make the site public or private. If public, anyone can read the site and comment. If private, viewers and commentators are limited to those selected by the site's moderator. You'll notice on the public sites, there are photos and stories. People share anecdotes and memories.

After my grandfather died, one of my favorite moments was going through all of the cards everyone left at his funeral. Many people wrote about great things he had done for them, things my parents, my grandmother, my aunt and uncle didn't know about. Some shared funny stories. If this was done on a memorial site, everyone who had access to the site could share in the joy that we felt reading about my grandfather's best moments.

Also, something I like better about this type of site than the MySpace site, it is honest about time and tense. The person has died, and the site starts out telling the story of their complete life and death. There is no incomplete, weird forever alive in cyberspace feeling like you get with MySpace pages of people who have died.

I have more to say about SympathyTree.com than I can reasonably fit in one post. So, I will be adding more later ... but these are my first thoughts. Please check out the site and let me know what you think.

For Her Wife

I caught a fascinating segment on the radio as I was driving home last night.

Two years ago, Seattle was hit by terrible December storms—wind and rain followed by a week of frigid cold and ice. For some local residents (including my parents), power was out for over a week. One of the most jarring stories to come out of that whole situation was the death Kate Fleming. The incident was so sudden, so unfair, so unpredictable that it shook to the core people's faith in the comfort of every day.

Fleming was a voice-over actress who lived in Seattle's Madison Valley. When flash flooding hit her home, threatening recording equipment she kept in her basement, Fleming went into the basement to rescue the equipment before she evacuated. Fleming became trapped in the basement and trapped in rising water. 911 had difficulty locating her correct address. As a result, rescue workers could not help her in time. By the time Fleming's partner, Charlene Strong, and neighbors could attempt a rescue, it was too late.

Charlene Strong is now using this situation as a catalyst to activism. While in the hospital with Fleming, as doctors made last efforts to try to revive her, and while funeral planning, Strong realized she had no rights because she was a gay partner. Strong is fighting for equal rights for gays and lesbians so that other partners will not be put in the same situation she was—faced with losing a loved one and then having to fight to get their voice heard.

Strong had to call Fleming's sister in Virginia to be allowed into her hospital room. Fleming's mother was the one who was allowed to sign paperwork at the funeral home, even though Strong paid for the services.

A new documentary depicts Charlene Strong's activism. I remember vividly how upset I was when I read about Fleming's death over two years ago. I can't tell you how hopeful I am to read about something so positive coming out of such a terrible situation. This woman is an inspiration.

(Last year, our state passed a domestic partner bill, and this clip from the documentary seems to infer that Strong was intimately involved with the passage. I do know for a fact that she testified in the State House. That's all I have been able to verify.)

Is being mourned a privilege?

A question explored by the opening story on this week's episode of This American Life. (I think it's a repeat, but nonetheless worth listening to if you haven't heard it yet.)

The story explores what happens to people who live alone and then die alone.

We follow one woman as LA county tries to track down her relatives, friends, whoever knew her, in order that they might take care of her remains and inherit her property. At the end of the story, there is audio from a mass burial in LA county for who have died alone, which the story reports many major cities have one of each year.

The reporter declares that being mourned is a privilege, meant for those who endear themselves in life. But the mass burial seems to suggest otherwise. The chaplain performing the service says:
"Honored guests, on this day, we are gathered here for the annual mass burial, committing to this earthly resting place 1,918 brothers and sisters of human kind." Would the chaplain use language like "honored guests," and "brothers and sisters of human kind" if there wasn't some attempt to memorialize and sentimentalize the existence of these people?

I understand the reporter's point. Not everyone has a big funeral with a casket, flowers, crying relatives. It doesn't always happen. But he seems to miss that even when we don't know the person, we want ceremony for death. There may not be grief, but we see to feel compelled to mourn and mark the occasion at least in some way.

Styling Death—Rachel Zoe

Celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe has a new reality show on Bravo. In this week's episode, she finds out her great uncle has passed away, the week before the Academy Awards, which is her busiest week of the year. Zoe is torn about whether to go to the funeral or whether to stay and fulfill her responsibilities to the clients she is styling for the Oscars.

I know lots of people hate the lifestyle Rachel Zoe has come to represent ... and lots more don't know who she is, but I think her dilemma is one many people can relate to. And if you haven't faced it, chances are, you will face something like it at some point in your life.

Here is a Q&A from her blog on Bravotv.com.

"You also get some bad news from her in the episode about your uncle's passing. You make the choice not to go to his funeral. How did you make that decision?

"That was one of the worst days of my life. ... My aunt Sylvia and uncle Jerry basically really helped to raise me. ... I had seen my uncle a week before in New York and I kind of had a feeling it would be the last time I saw him. He had gotten very sick. I struggled with going to the funeral and I wanted to be there more than anything.

One of the horrible things about living so far from your family is that when crisis happens, it's not so easy to be there. It was probably one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, but when I told my aunt I was going to come and cancel everything, she got furious with me. She said that my uncle would never, ever want me to drop everything and give up my responsibilities to be there ... . But as soon as that week ended, I got on a plane and I went and spent several days with my aunt. ..."

Did she make the right decision? I think it's easy enough to say she should have gone to the funeral. And abstractly we can all think we would have done just that.

Here's what's I'd like to highlight. Imagine yourself an independent professional whose career depends on your name, your sole performance. And this is the singular most important week of the year. You just saw the family member and feel like you said goodbye. Would you have gone to the funeral?

Funeral Visitation for a Three-Year-Old

Yesterday, I went to a funeral visitation for a three-year-old girl. As I'm sure you can imagine, there were moments that twisted my insides and made me want to run outside of the funeral home and away from all of the gloom. The child had a rare congenital condition, and the parents never expected her to live long ... but I'm not a psychologist, so I won't speculate as to whether that makes it any easier on them. They were clearly suffering yesterday.

I don't know how you even define handling death well when it happens to someone so young.

Instead of a guest book, the family put out a children's book for people to sign in the girl's honor. It was a copy of "You Are My I Love You" by Maryann Cusimano. The writing in children's books has to be so tight and brief, sometimes, when it's done well, it can be poetry. I think this book is one of those cases. In the book, the parent sets up mirroring phrases to the child—the parent takes the role of the strong, steady rock and the child becomes the fun, likely spark in lines such as "I am your carriage ride; you are my king." My favorite line relates to swimming: "I am your water wings; you are my deep."

The visitation was open-casket. I don't know if I'm in the minority with this opinion, but I actually like open-casket funerals. I do think it helps the mind achieve closure to see the person's dead body. I know some people have trouble with it. (One of my aunts struggled with my grandfather's funeral being open-casket.) It's jarring and uncomfortable ... but so is the notion that this person has died, and at least for me personally, it helps my mind make peace with it all.

Anyway, it was a sad event ... and I'm not sure what good to take away from a life that was too short and so filled with pain and suffering.

Funerals: A consumer's guide

I found this handy website today by doing a google search of funeral laws. The Federal Trade Commission had put together a primer on all the things consumers need to be aware of as they go into the process of paying for a funeral. It's a daunting—and expensive—process ... and many people are not prepared for it at all.

The page outlines basic laws and different types of funerals. Near the end, there is a handy check-sheet of prices to inquire about. The site also includes a helpful glossary. It's a great place to start if you're hoping to become more educated on issues like these. It definitely would have come in handy when my grandfather passed away. I think the funeral home we worked with was completely reputable and very pleasant, but we had nothing to judge that on but their behavior to us and our own instinct. It would have been reassuring to have some sort of guide to work from at the time.